An Uphill Battle. | Mental Health

I am always in a state of anxiety. It doesn’t matter what I am doing or who I am seeing, the feeling of anxiety in my stomach never goes away. Sometimes it’s extremely slight anxiety; the type to give you small worries about your hair, or maybe what you’re doing in that moment. Other times, it’s that feeling in the pit of your stomach. The nausea and the shaking, like you’re going to faint at any moment. Along with my constant state of anxiety come feelings of sadness, irritation and the general feeling of not being content. These feelings can last for weeks, months even, and they’ve been affecting the quality of life I live. I’ve just recently found out that that is called major depressive disorder -or plainly put, depression. My mental health has always been an extremely hard topic to talk about. Even writing about it now, it’s hard to find words that would accurately describe the way I feel. I’d have to use metaphors, hyperboles and other literary devices just to make my thoughts coherent. If I could sum it up in just two words, It Sucks.

I’m not writing this because it’s “popular” to have a mental illness nowadays (I have been diagnosed by a doctor), nor am I speaking for everyone who has a mental illness. I can only speak for myself, and hope my experiences help someone else or bring awareness to the topic. Living in Belize is not the easiest when it feels like your own brain is against you. People will tell you that you should just have tougher skin, and to stop being so worrisome. Everyone notices that something has changed within you, but no one acknowledges, or does something about it. Getting help for something that is happening in your head but isn't physically painful is something taboo for people to do here (though sometimes you can show physical symptoms). I'd struggled for years before I had the courage to ask for help. My concentration was off. I couldn’t sleep, or I slept too much. I stopped eating regularly. I absolutely did not want to leave my house, not even for my friends. My days were filled with sharp comebacks at whomever decided to talk to me; and hair-pulling irritation aimed at whoever was closest. My thoughts ate away at my self esteem; my biggest critic was myself. I used to press my fingernails into my skin until it bled, thinking that that pain would distract my brain from the problems it created. Even after I recognized all these things, I only got help after getting my butt whooped at junior college.

Junior College is when you have so much more control over how you spend your time. With everything I was going through, doing well there wasn’t on my radar. I didn’t want to go to classes; I didn’t want to do my schoolwork. I missed every big assessment that I had, in every class I had. There was not a motivated bone in my body, and I knew it. It was like I sat back and watched my body do its thing. I couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it, but at the same time I was having panic attacks about everything I was missing. I didn’t want to accept that this is a thing that I have to live with. I thought that ignoring it would make it go away, but that made it so much worse. When I finally acknowledged it, I wrote my parents a letter saying how I’d felt for all these years. They seemed to take it well, and they found me help. I went to a therapist who recommended me to a psychiatrist, who prescribed me antidepressants. I took them until that box finished, and I never refilled the prescription. There was something weird about taking pills that made me, become me. So I’m learning to manage, without them. Using the skills that my therapist taught me has been extremely helpful in combating what I’m going through. So I thought to share what works for me, with you guys. 1. Acknowledge it. Own it. This is cliché to say, but your mental illness does not define you. You are not it. I was told to think of it as something separate from myself, something I am in control of. It does not control me, and yours does not have to control you. Acknowledge that it is there; say it out loud if you have to. These things are so much easier to deal with when you have a name for them. 2. Get it out. Feeling a bit more out of it than usual? Get it out on paper, or talk to someone about the way you feel. Not good with words? Do something physical to get out all the pent up feelings. Scream, punch, kick! Just do something so that what you feel is out into the world. I have multiple journals filled with musings about how I feel, and I have a sketchbook that I scribble, color, and draw in when things get to be too much and words don't exactly describe the way I feel.

3. Whenever you can, enter a new environment. It’s good to get out of your own head sometimes. Whenever you can, get out of where you spend most of your time. If you stay in your bed all day, go into the living room. If your house is generally your safe space, go for a walk or a drive. Sometimes all you need is a change of environment to make you feel better. Say yes to that ice cream date with your friends, or that Caye trip with your family. Distract yourself and allow yourself to have fun. 4. Use Positive Self Talk. Lots of times, you’re going to feel like your own worst enemy. Kill it with kindness. Combat negative thoughts with positive words. Even if it feels weird and stupid to talk to yourself, you might feel a bit more uplifted after. Use phrases like “I can”, “I will”, and “I have” whenever you can. Remind yourself of the good you’ve done, and reward yourself for getting things done.

5. Take Self-Care Seriously. On days when you feel like complete poop even more than you usually do, it is extremely important for you to take care of yourself. Doing all the hygienic stuff you need to do, eating on time, staying hydrated and getting enough rest are all crucial tasks if you want to feel at least a bit better. Exercising is also a task that will help on days like these. A little goes a long way when it comes to emotion and self care.

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't get medication, or that these tips will magically cure you. None of these have 'cured' me, they make my days easier to handle. These are just what have been helping me along. Everyone is different. If all else fails, talking to a professional in your area is always a good idea. We don’t have many psychiatrists, therapists and other mental health doctors in Belize but, if you look for them, I’m sure you can find decent ones. This was a very personal post for me to write, and I hope it’s given you some sort of insight as to why awareness of this topic is important to me. I’ll leave some resources and articles relating to mental illnesses for you guys to read below. I hope you guys enjoyed this. Share it around with your friends, and help spread awareness about mental health. Drop a comment below about your own experiences, or questions about the topic. I’ll reply to as many as I can. Thanks for Clicking, Chey❤️